And The Winner Is...

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Tuesday, November 4, 2008:

Well it's been a long, hard-fought campaign but finally we're here at the finish line; Election Day, and boy are we here at McCain Central pumped! Oh sure, we've had our ups and downs along the way and yeah the polls don't look good, but hey, who believes polls anyway? We've fought like crazy for what we believe in and I know it is going to pay off BIG TIME.

The first couple of months after Senator McCain became the presumptive front runner were a little rough, of course. Those talk radio creeps just wouldn't cut the Senator a break even after he reached out to them. I'll never forget how proud I was when Senator McCain said, "Yeah, I heard that Limbaugh on the radio today. My friends, he sure can talk, eh? Hehe". It was like he was giving El Rushbo a great big hug. That's why I was so shocked when Rush kept on attacking my guy over illegal immigration and CAFE standards and global warming and Gitmo and ANWR and the Gang of 14 and all that other stuff. It was like he really didn't believe that Senator McCain is as conservative as Ronald Reagan. Why, the Senator was a foot soldier for Ronald Reagan, for goodness sake. I mean I heard him say so himself!

That's why I was so proud of him when he went to all the Republicans in the House and Senate, even the fifteen of them who weren't retiring this year and convinced them to speed the Fairness Doctrine through before the election. I was in the room with him when he told them all, "These guys are beating my head in and unless you a..holes (I love it when he's so direct, like that. Now that's leadership!) pass the G..damn Fairness Doctrine this party, this country and my G..damn campaign are going to go right down the crapper." That and the sort of crazed, I'll-break-you-in-half look on his face got them jumping his way, that's for sure.I understand that Rush, Laura Ingraham, Sean Hannity and a bunch of others are getting together to form some sort of blog network but the Senator has beaten them to the punch and the Even More Fairness Doctrine is already making its way through the legislature. Blog this, you guys.

It was just about at that time that the Senator realized that his polls were never going to improve among conservatives, and he did what he always does, he reached out and made his big play for independents. I was there in the room with him again when he came up with the campaign slogan that's become a rallying cry, "About As Conservative As You'd Want". That let everybody know that he was their kind of conservative, you know, one who was kind of independent in his conservatism, sort of. I get chills hearing it even today.

One of my favorite moments was the day he made his vp choice just before the convention. Nobody in the party saw it coming when after his big build-up the Senator finally said, "Hehe, and he's got about a billions bucks, too, the rich bastard hehe. I'm proud to present my choice for running mate...Michael Bloomberg!" Oh yeah, the big shots in the party squirmed and screamed and everything just because Mayor Bloomberg wasn't a Republican anymore but Senator McCain had read all those newsmagazines about how Bloomberg was one of those new kind of politicians. All the network anchors and everybody said he was just great and besides since money wasn't exactly flooding in, if you know what I mean, Bloomie's deep pockets have really come in handy...like paying for the campaign-handy! Ha! That's what happens when you reach out. You get things done!

Of course Barak Obama's choosing former Marine, Senator James Webb wasn't a bad choice either, I suppose. It sort of killed our plan to make Obama out to be kind of a skinny pantywaist a central part of the campaign. But when the news got out (thanks ex-Senator Clinton!) that Senator Obama had been a drug "kingpin" for a year in his younger days we really made hay out of it. Of course the media said he turned it into a positive with his "The Audacity to Turn Dope into Hope" speech, but we know America didn't buy it, no matter what the polls said afterwards.

The debates were really something, too. That Obama guy thinks he's so smart. I don't care what the polls said after each of them and what the papers said either. I know that Senator McCain really brought it to him. I think everyone remembers the healthcare debate where Senator Obama pledged not only to provide universal healthcare but to extend it to everyone's (including illegal aliens', I mean immigrants') pets, too. Senator McCain delivered one of his best comebacks when he famously said, "Yeah, I've got a pet, Barak; a dog. You know what I named him? "Bite Me". Yeah, Bite Me, Obama, Bite Me hehe!" (I always enjoy the way he laughs at his own jokes, even if no one else does.) And remember when Senator Obama said that if Venezuela didn't start selling oil to the US again he'd bomb England? Senator McCain didn't even have to respond to that one. The look on his face said it all.

There were some disappointments along the way, of course. The media, for one. All the years John McCain had been in the Senate being a maverick and everything, the press loved him but just as soon as it becomes obvious that he's got the nomination all sewn up they start jumping all over him, as if he were just some regular old Republican. And when the New York Times endorsed Senator Obama, well let me tell you that was the first and only time I've seen a tear in the Senator's eye. Bunch of turncoats...

Well very soon now we'll show them all. I can hardly wait to see tomorrow's headlines. Boy is everybody in for a shock. Let's see, the polling places have just closed. Hmm. Where is everybody? They know the party is going to be held here...Maybe they're all coming together. Yeah, I bet that's it. I can hardly wait...


Tuesday, November 4, 2008 Late Edition Special:

Obama Romps! First Black President Wins In Greatest Landslide In American History!
Takes EVERY State and EVERY Town!
John McCain Says, "G..damn Conservatives!"